Conversations, like hammocks, are much easier to get into than out of. We’ve established a lot of collective social norms for texting—”haha” is standard, “hehe” is weird—but we still haven’t figured out how to exit conversations. When we’re trying to get out of an in-person conversation, we can gather our things or say we’re tired. We can physically exit the room. When we’re texting, every message just prolongs the conversation, but silence is rude.
Either it seems like you’re cutting things off abruptly—hey sorry to hear about your parakeet i’m going to bed now—or you’re stuck trying to keep your eyes open as you give shorter and shorter hahahahas until the person just stops texting you. I wish society would get together and agree on a kill-switch emoji for every hard conversation. The battered-shrimp emoji means “you don’t need to respond anymore; the conversation is over.” The closed mailbox with the flag down means “I think we should see other people.” The little blue fish that looks worried means “I slept with your sister.” Alas, society is too busy dealing with Jack’s death on This Is Us, which means that everyone just needs to learn how to text.
This problem is magnified in hetero dating scenarios. Men and women are socialized differently, and a lot of the burden of carrying a conversation is placed on women. There are, of course, exceptions, but on the whole my male friends don’t seem to care as much about leaving a conversation hanging or responding to an open-ended question with a thumbs-up. My female friends, on the other hand, are much more likely to write me a paragraphs-long text to clarify what they think we should do this weekend. My male friends are also afraid that the women they’re texting will fall deeply in love with them if they use anything other than the thumbs-up emoji, but my female friends throw heart-eye emojis around like Greenpeace fliers. When you’re dating someone of the opposite sex (or trying to), a lot of chivalry gets lost in translation because you’re trying to accommodate two opposing styles of communication.
So, how do you end a text conversation without looking like a dick?
If you know you won’t be able to fire off robust responses all day, let your textee know before you get busy, instead of apologizing 12 hours later. Text her, “Hey, I’m in meetings all day, so I’ll be offline, but have a good day and we’ll touch base later!” If you’re going to bed and you’re done talking, just say, “I’m going to bed now, sleep tight!”
The tone of your conversation shapes how your exit text will be perceived, so don’t be afraid to come across as enthusiastic when you're chatting. I get it: Enthusiasm is vulnerability for men, but being vulnerable is part of dating. If you’re not ready to admit that you’re excited about going to a farmers’ market this weekend, then you’re not ready to date. You don’t need to be Doug-the-dog-from-Up–level excited, but at least bring a little more energy than your average octogenarian. If she asks, “Do you want to see Game Night this weekend?” (which you should, because it’s great) don’t respond with, “sounds good.” Why? Because you just made it sound like you’d rather have your balls elbowed than hang out with her. Also, we know your phone auto-capitalizes the start of a text, so you had to GO BACK and un-capitalize it. And would it kill you to use an exclamation point once? Throw your partner a bone. I’m not even asking you to start adding seven extra Os to the word “so.” Just an exclamation point. Nothing on this earth is hotter than a guy showing a tiny bit of enthusiasm. Whoever told all men born before 1995 that they should seem as bored as possible when dating should be in jail. A bit of enthusiasm up front means when you do end the conversation, you’re a lot less likely to seem rude. If your last 17 texts are some one-word variation of “cool,” she absolutely thinks you’re not into her.
First of all, never ever use the eggplant emoji seriously. Please. If there were a way to disable that emoji on men’s phones, I would pay for it. Secondly, use the single emoji reply sparingly. Like cocaine, there is a time and a place for a single emoji: If someone asks you a question, you cannot reply with a single emoji. A single emoji takes less effort than a fart. If someone asks you a question, respond. Even if the question is “Am I good to pick you up at 8?” you should respond with words. “Yep, see you then!” is enough. No okay-hand-sign emoji; you’re an adult. If someone tells you something personal, or if they did something kind for you, you may not respond with an emoji. Not even hallelujah hands. The only time you can reply to something with a single emoji is in response to a truly menial update, like “I’ll be over in 10 minutes” or “They didn’t have vanilla so I got you chocolate.” That’s the single emoji’s time to shine!
That’s right, the Frozen soundtrack had a lot of important lessons. If the person you're texting makes a joke, you don’t have to impress her with a follow-up quip. It’s okay to just type “haha” and then continue the conversation later, when you think of something actually interesting to say. You can even use those helpful iPhone options where you just “haha” or “like” someone's text, thereby releasing them, as well as yourself, from the conversation. The longer you’ve been texting with someone, the more appropriate it is to just let conversations die, especially when you don’t have the time or energy to engage. As long as you aren’t always the one walking away from the conversation or not responding, and as long as you plan to talk to them again in the near future, you’re fine.
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